What makes infertility worse...

...is when you have ovarian cysts that cause pregnancy symptoms without an actual baby.

I have had it all (multiple times this year, actually)--nausea, sore breasts, painful gas, headaches, fatigue, etc.--everything that comes with early pregnancy, except the really great part--a baby. Yes, my body tells me I'm pregnant, but it is lying to me. You may say, "This sounds confusing." Tell me about it! A woman's body is complicated, but there are many different things that can cause similar symptoms. PMS, pregnancy, ovarian cysts all can give the same signals, but all have (VERY) different outcomes. This wouldn't be so terrible if I wasn't trying to get pregnant. It's bad enough to want to have another child and not be able to. But then it is even worse when you're body gives pregnancy signs and you get your hopes up, only to find out it's just another cyst instead of a baby.

I feel like I'm dying inside. This week, all I can do is cry. Literally, I just cry all the time. And that is so not me. I'm not a cryer or a feeler. I rarely ever shed tears. Often times, my husband says to me, "I wish you were more emotional." Seriously. This week, however, anything triggers this waterfall on my face. I see a pregnant person on Facebook--> tear sesh. Someone prays for me aloud--> waterworks. I think about how dark and deep my sin is and how terribly I'm choosing to suffer and how Jesus suffered so well for me--> soaked pillow, blotchy eyes. You get the point. My face hurts from the wincing in pain, my phone emoticons automatically bring up the tear face, distressed face, and upside down eyebrow one, and my ovaries hurt, and I want to throw up all the time. The end.

Rant over. Maybe.

I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just asking for prayer. I'm also sick of infertility being such a hush hush issue, so I'm talking about it. Because, honestly, my struggle in this hasn't been so much that I really want a baby, but that I feel so alone in this. I feel like no one understands. But I know there are women out there like me, somewhere. So, if you're there, speak up and reach out! We need each other.

Also, my Rock and only hope in this has been Jesus. This week, especially, I've been reminded that Jesus knows my longing for a new body and a perfect world where there is no sin or sadness, and He conquered death that I might experience it with Him one day. I hope only in Him--not in a baby, not in healing through medicine, not in people to cheer me up--only in Him. Here are some prayers I've been crying out this week, join me in them, please:

"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul...listen to my plea for grace." Psalm 86:4-7 (but really the whole Psalm)

"And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong..." (Isaiah 58:11) Oh, my scorched places, how I have so many!

"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again..." Psalm 71:20