My prayer through it all had been "Lord, make them know that this was you and not us."
When we miraculously bought a house in one of the hottest cities in the U.S. this summer, that was my prayer. And He did. He let everyone know it was Him and not us by giving us the house for $15,000 under the listing price with zero closing costs on our behalf.
Then with my constant fertility battle, that was my prayer too. From the very beginning of us finding out it might not be possible to have more children, I knew I didn't want to do IVF. I have convictions about it that I won't get into here, but I also just knew, that for us, because we already have one biological child, we weren't going down that road. I figured if we were going to spend that many thousands of dollars, we might as well spend them on adoption, which is something we've always wanted anyway.
Two months ago, I got to a breaking point, or rather a point of acceptance. I finally sought out a fertility doctor via a friend and made an appointment. I thought that by meeting with her, we could find more answers and see what kind of options we had for moving forward. I really thought I was ready to move forward. (Although, I still had no idea how far down the fertility road we wanted to walk.)
On September 27th, we met with her. She was amazing--so knowledgeable (as most doctors are), incredibly sensitive, and perfectly professional and personal at the same time. After my history of doctors talking over me and around me and giving me no answers, this was so refreshing. She told Andrew and me that my ovaries and uterus looked just fine, but she was unsure about my tubes. She basically affirmed everything I had thought these past two years--my tubes were damaged from my past infection and were most likely not repairable. She told us that we had three options: HSG, Laparoscopic surgery, or IVF. We obviously ruled out IVF right away. Then she said the HSG would be somewhat pointless because it would only tell me if my tubes were open or blocked, it wouldn't reveal the state of my cilia in my tubes or the fimbria (finger-like structures at the end of my fallopian tubes). So, at the end of the meeting, Andrew and I walked away with two days to discuss the lap option and get back to the doctor.
I think I cried every minute of those two days. I felt like suddenly there was this clock ticking on an issue I had been struggling with freely for so long. I felt so much pressure for some reason. I called two dear friends who both walked down the fertility road (surgeries, tests, hormones, IUI's, etc) and now have children. They both had so much wisdom to offer. They basically said the same thing: "less is more," and "Linds, once you start down this road, it's hard to know when to stop."
After buying a house, getting used to a new city, trying to get our Airbnb up and running, and the normal stress of daily life with a four year old, I felt like I couldn't willingly enter into more stress with this fertility thing. If we were going to do something, we were going to do the lap for diagnostic purposes. But that meant spending our full deductible and maybe still walking away with nothing fixed. So, Andrew and I both felt so strongly that we needed to wait on this. Wait.
Wait? Isn't that what we had been doing these past two years? Hadn't we been waiting for a child naturally, as I'd tried everything in my own power to help (charting, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, dietary restrictions, etc.)? And then we were just going to wait more. Although waiting made no logical sense for a woman in her thirties trying to get pregnant, I just knew we were supposed to wait. The moment I told our doctor that we were going to wait on the surgery, I felt peace--so much peace--and the tears stopped for a bit.
Here's the thing though, my heart didn't really change. I still begged God every day to meet me in this struggle and give me contentment and take away sadness. I still longed for another child, but I heard him calling me to wait more. Isn't most of life spent waiting anyway? Waiting to finish school. Waiting for a job, a husband, a child. Waiting for a change. Waiting for a Savior. We wait. That's what we do. So I waited.
And then, I waited for my period. And then apparently, I waited a little bit more. And then, I started to wonder..."am I waiting for the wrong thing? Is this wait over?" And then, for the first time in probably over two years and a dozen pregnancy tests, I saw a plus sign. It turned positive within literally one second of me peeing on that stick. And all I could do was laugh.
I thought, "Are you serious, God?" I literally don't know how this happened. I had stopped charting, stopped acupuncture, stopped Chinese herbs, stopped ovulating (or so I thought), and stopped trying. I had been rebelling against it all. I have no idea when we conceived--none whatsoever. And so once again, He answered my prayer: "Lord, make them know that this was you and not us." Clearly, He wanted all the glory on this one.
To be continued...
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Saturday, September 10, 2016
We bought a house and we are forward-moving
Holy moly, it's been too long since I last blogged. Mainly it's because we've been SO busy searching for and buying a house!
The market here in Nashville is insane. But, thankfully, we found a house after six months of diligently looking, and we're all moved in! The last two months have been a blur--having our first house fall through, putting an offer on this house, negotiating, signing, closing, going on vacation the day after signing, moving in with a sprained ankle, re-doing the kitchen without my husband here, and buying double the furniture for our Airbnb apartment upstairs and our space downstairs. There's been so much, but this post is not about all the stress and all the details of the house. This post is about God's faithfulness in a dream he put in our hearts.
Two years ago, Andrew and I decided we really wanted to invest in people by hosting them in our home. We've been doing this since our first year of marriage, but we never actually had enough space to do it well. People would sleep on our couch or an air mattress and we'd all share one bathroom in the past. Although, doable, it wasn't the most comfortable. So, Drew and I decided we wanted to buy a house and do Airbnb. We researched cities, we talked to others doing Airbnb, we stayed in Airbnb's, we dreamed about our space and the perfect house that would allow for it, and we set out to do it.
When we moved to Nashville with this dream in mind, things did not go our way. Our move here was insanely messy (see here). The housing search felt like a waste of so many hours when houses were sold before they were even on the market. Our realtor switch and lender switch in mid-search was crazy stressful. All of these things were working against us. We really, seriously, felt the Enemy did not want us to buy a house and host people. I'm so thankful we did not give up. Looking back, I see God's hand in so many things. Here are a few:
-This once-upon-a-time-duplex-turned-single-family-home was not appealing to others because the upstairs was so unlike the rest of the house, but for us, it was EXACTLY what we were looking for. (It has indoor and outdoor entrances to the upstairs!)
-It was just out of our price range. Enough for us to offer low and negotiate and get it for exactly what we were willing to pay.
-It is off every major freeway in Nashville, which means those who stay with us can get to anywhere in Nashville in 10-20 minutes.
-It was livable, but not perfect. We really wanted a house move-in ready that had all the potential to do the projects living in our head. This house is FULL of potential and we've already begun some of our projects (which are so fun and so time-consuming)!
All of this is to say God is faithful in putting dreams in our hearts and helping us achieve them, even if the process is long and hard. And then there are times where dreams we have do not come true and are out of our grasp--we're here dealing with those too. He is still faithful and all things are in His timing. I'm so thankful that He has allowed us to pursue this dream and that we get to watch it unfold before us. We cannot wait to host people soon! Come visit and stay with us when our space is ready!
The market here in Nashville is insane. But, thankfully, we found a house after six months of diligently looking, and we're all moved in! The last two months have been a blur--having our first house fall through, putting an offer on this house, negotiating, signing, closing, going on vacation the day after signing, moving in with a sprained ankle, re-doing the kitchen without my husband here, and buying double the furniture for our Airbnb apartment upstairs and our space downstairs. There's been so much, but this post is not about all the stress and all the details of the house. This post is about God's faithfulness in a dream he put in our hearts.
Two years ago, Andrew and I decided we really wanted to invest in people by hosting them in our home. We've been doing this since our first year of marriage, but we never actually had enough space to do it well. People would sleep on our couch or an air mattress and we'd all share one bathroom in the past. Although, doable, it wasn't the most comfortable. So, Drew and I decided we wanted to buy a house and do Airbnb. We researched cities, we talked to others doing Airbnb, we stayed in Airbnb's, we dreamed about our space and the perfect house that would allow for it, and we set out to do it.
When we moved to Nashville with this dream in mind, things did not go our way. Our move here was insanely messy (see here). The housing search felt like a waste of so many hours when houses were sold before they were even on the market. Our realtor switch and lender switch in mid-search was crazy stressful. All of these things were working against us. We really, seriously, felt the Enemy did not want us to buy a house and host people. I'm so thankful we did not give up. Looking back, I see God's hand in so many things. Here are a few:
-This once-upon-a-time-duplex-turned-single-family-home was not appealing to others because the upstairs was so unlike the rest of the house, but for us, it was EXACTLY what we were looking for. (It has indoor and outdoor entrances to the upstairs!)
-It was just out of our price range. Enough for us to offer low and negotiate and get it for exactly what we were willing to pay.
-It is off every major freeway in Nashville, which means those who stay with us can get to anywhere in Nashville in 10-20 minutes.
-It was livable, but not perfect. We really wanted a house move-in ready that had all the potential to do the projects living in our head. This house is FULL of potential and we've already begun some of our projects (which are so fun and so time-consuming)!
All of this is to say God is faithful in putting dreams in our hearts and helping us achieve them, even if the process is long and hard. And then there are times where dreams we have do not come true and are out of our grasp--we're here dealing with those too. He is still faithful and all things are in His timing. I'm so thankful that He has allowed us to pursue this dream and that we get to watch it unfold before us. We cannot wait to host people soon! Come visit and stay with us when our space is ready!
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Fill me up to the tippy-tippy top
When my daughter comes to me, asking for juice or chocolate milk in her favorite cup, I most often oblige. Her one request following, always remains the same: "Fill it up to the tippy-tippy top!" Most of the time, however, I know she does not need a full cup of sugary drink, so I fill it to the appropriate amount (in my opinion). This is considered, by most people, good parenting. I give her what she needs, not what she wants.
I was reminded the other day that I often ask God to fill my cup to the "tippy-tippy top," too. But, God is not like me (thankfully). He is completely Holy. Set apart. Different. He instead hears my plea and answers quickly. He doesn't see a half-way filled cup as even an option. He fills my cup until it's overflowing--He goes past the "tippy-tippy top."
Ps. 116 "What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord."
Ps. 23 "You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
I need only to lift my cup up and ask, continually. He will always fill me, because it's for my good. He's not a human like me, deciding that only a little bit of Him is enough. He's God, and He's already given all of himself to me in Jesus. With faith like a child--even just like my own child--I hold my cup up today and ask, "To the tippy-tippy top, God?"
I was reminded the other day that I often ask God to fill my cup to the "tippy-tippy top," too. But, God is not like me (thankfully). He is completely Holy. Set apart. Different. He instead hears my plea and answers quickly. He doesn't see a half-way filled cup as even an option. He fills my cup until it's overflowing--He goes past the "tippy-tippy top."
Ps. 116 "What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord."
Ps. 23 "You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
I need only to lift my cup up and ask, continually. He will always fill me, because it's for my good. He's not a human like me, deciding that only a little bit of Him is enough. He's God, and He's already given all of himself to me in Jesus. With faith like a child--even just like my own child--I hold my cup up today and ask, "To the tippy-tippy top, God?"
Friday, May 6, 2016
The beauty of the weeds
A couple weeks ago my roommate and I decided to pull up some weeds from the front of our house. I know nothing about flowers or plants, or really anything that grows up from the ground. I kill everything green. So, before I pulled anything up, I would ask Evan, "This is a weed, right?" It was somewhat confusing because a lot of the weeds were just beautiful. I thought maybe they had been planted there on purpose.
And then a few days ago, on my run, I saw a few more beautiful weeds in a ditch. They were so colorful and enticing. I almost picked a few for my daughter, but when I got closer I saw they were filled with thorns--same with the ones in the garden in front of my house. I got to thinking...
Are there things in my life right now that are like these weeds--seemingly beautiful and harmless, but might be something I need to pull up? I think so.
Anyone who follows my blog (or my life) knows that we've been trying to have another baby the past year and a half. And also, recently, we've been trying to buy a house in Nashville. These things are good, and are such beautiful gifts. But have they become weeds in my heart? Have the good intentions of settling down and committing to a city and group of people become a temptation to acquire the things of the world and be satisfied in them? I've been sucked into the "American dream" by simply looking at houses the past couple months. I've found myself calling some houses beautiful and some ugly and being drawn to neighborhoods filled with people just like me. I've found myself being incredibly narrow-minded in the places in Nashville that I would or wouldn't want to live. I've found myself imagining the perfect family--healthy kid(s) and a happy husband.
When did I start thinking this way? Part of our purpose in moving to Nashville was for the sake of diversity and having more of a "city feel", so why all the sudden am I only drawn to the "nice" neighborhoods and the craftsman houses that are WAY out of our budget? This feels like a recipe for disaster for me. I know myself well enough to know that if I were to get a house in a neighborhood like this, I would become so comfortable that I'd never want to leave and I'd only hang out with people just like me. This is SO NOT what Jesus has called me to. I've been called to love all people, especially those who are not just like me. I've been called to be a good steward of the money God has given me, which includes not living outside my means. I've been called to pursue holiness and not the "American dream." I've been called to seek Jesus and not the pleasures of this world.
It's time to stop watering the weeds. I need to pull up the colorful flowers with thorny stems that will eventually harm me, and water the seeds that actually need to grow.
God, as I search for a house and long to build my family, let me seek your standards in those things, not the world's. Show me all that needs to be pulled up.
And then a few days ago, on my run, I saw a few more beautiful weeds in a ditch. They were so colorful and enticing. I almost picked a few for my daughter, but when I got closer I saw they were filled with thorns--same with the ones in the garden in front of my house. I got to thinking...
Are there things in my life right now that are like these weeds--seemingly beautiful and harmless, but might be something I need to pull up? I think so.
Anyone who follows my blog (or my life) knows that we've been trying to have another baby the past year and a half. And also, recently, we've been trying to buy a house in Nashville. These things are good, and are such beautiful gifts. But have they become weeds in my heart? Have the good intentions of settling down and committing to a city and group of people become a temptation to acquire the things of the world and be satisfied in them? I've been sucked into the "American dream" by simply looking at houses the past couple months. I've found myself calling some houses beautiful and some ugly and being drawn to neighborhoods filled with people just like me. I've found myself being incredibly narrow-minded in the places in Nashville that I would or wouldn't want to live. I've found myself imagining the perfect family--healthy kid(s) and a happy husband.
When did I start thinking this way? Part of our purpose in moving to Nashville was for the sake of diversity and having more of a "city feel", so why all the sudden am I only drawn to the "nice" neighborhoods and the craftsman houses that are WAY out of our budget? This feels like a recipe for disaster for me. I know myself well enough to know that if I were to get a house in a neighborhood like this, I would become so comfortable that I'd never want to leave and I'd only hang out with people just like me. This is SO NOT what Jesus has called me to. I've been called to love all people, especially those who are not just like me. I've been called to be a good steward of the money God has given me, which includes not living outside my means. I've been called to pursue holiness and not the "American dream." I've been called to seek Jesus and not the pleasures of this world.
It's time to stop watering the weeds. I need to pull up the colorful flowers with thorny stems that will eventually harm me, and water the seeds that actually need to grow.
God, as I search for a house and long to build my family, let me seek your standards in those things, not the world's. Show me all that needs to be pulled up.
Monday, March 28, 2016
What makes infertility worse...
...is when you have ovarian cysts that cause pregnancy symptoms without an actual baby.
I have had it all (multiple times this year, actually)--nausea, sore breasts, painful gas, headaches, fatigue, etc.--everything that comes with early pregnancy, except the really great part--a baby. Yes, my body tells me I'm pregnant, but it is lying to me. You may say, "This sounds confusing." Tell me about it! A woman's body is complicated, but there are many different things that can cause similar symptoms. PMS, pregnancy, ovarian cysts all can give the same signals, but all have (VERY) different outcomes. This wouldn't be so terrible if I wasn't trying to get pregnant. It's bad enough to want to have another child and not be able to. But then it is even worse when you're body gives pregnancy signs and you get your hopes up, only to find out it's just another cyst instead of a baby.
I feel like I'm dying inside. This week, all I can do is cry. Literally, I just cry all the time. And that is so not me. I'm not a cryer or a feeler. I rarely ever shed tears. Often times, my husband says to me, "I wish you were more emotional." Seriously. This week, however, anything triggers this waterfall on my face. I see a pregnant person on Facebook--> tear sesh. Someone prays for me aloud--> waterworks. I think about how dark and deep my sin is and how terribly I'm choosing to suffer and how Jesus suffered so well for me--> soaked pillow, blotchy eyes. You get the point. My face hurts from the wincing in pain, my phone emoticons automatically bring up the tear face, distressed face, and upside down eyebrow one, and my ovaries hurt, and I want to throw up all the time. The end.
Rant over. Maybe.
I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just asking for prayer. I'm also sick of infertility being such a hush hush issue, so I'm talking about it. Because, honestly, my struggle in this hasn't been so much that I really want a baby, but that I feel so alone in this. I feel like no one understands. But I know there are women out there like me, somewhere. So, if you're there, speak up and reach out! We need each other.
Also, my Rock and only hope in this has been Jesus. This week, especially, I've been reminded that Jesus knows my longing for a new body and a perfect world where there is no sin or sadness, and He conquered death that I might experience it with Him one day. I hope only in Him--not in a baby, not in healing through medicine, not in people to cheer me up--only in Him. Here are some prayers I've been crying out this week, join me in them, please:
"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul...listen to my plea for grace." Psalm 86:4-7 (but really the whole Psalm)
"And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong..." (Isaiah 58:11) Oh, my scorched places, how I have so many!
"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again..." Psalm 71:20
I have had it all (multiple times this year, actually)--nausea, sore breasts, painful gas, headaches, fatigue, etc.--everything that comes with early pregnancy, except the really great part--a baby. Yes, my body tells me I'm pregnant, but it is lying to me. You may say, "This sounds confusing." Tell me about it! A woman's body is complicated, but there are many different things that can cause similar symptoms. PMS, pregnancy, ovarian cysts all can give the same signals, but all have (VERY) different outcomes. This wouldn't be so terrible if I wasn't trying to get pregnant. It's bad enough to want to have another child and not be able to. But then it is even worse when you're body gives pregnancy signs and you get your hopes up, only to find out it's just another cyst instead of a baby.
I feel like I'm dying inside. This week, all I can do is cry. Literally, I just cry all the time. And that is so not me. I'm not a cryer or a feeler. I rarely ever shed tears. Often times, my husband says to me, "I wish you were more emotional." Seriously. This week, however, anything triggers this waterfall on my face. I see a pregnant person on Facebook--> tear sesh. Someone prays for me aloud--> waterworks. I think about how dark and deep my sin is and how terribly I'm choosing to suffer and how Jesus suffered so well for me--> soaked pillow, blotchy eyes. You get the point. My face hurts from the wincing in pain, my phone emoticons automatically bring up the tear face, distressed face, and upside down eyebrow one, and my ovaries hurt, and I want to throw up all the time. The end.
Rant over. Maybe.
I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just asking for prayer. I'm also sick of infertility being such a hush hush issue, so I'm talking about it. Because, honestly, my struggle in this hasn't been so much that I really want a baby, but that I feel so alone in this. I feel like no one understands. But I know there are women out there like me, somewhere. So, if you're there, speak up and reach out! We need each other.
Also, my Rock and only hope in this has been Jesus. This week, especially, I've been reminded that Jesus knows my longing for a new body and a perfect world where there is no sin or sadness, and He conquered death that I might experience it with Him one day. I hope only in Him--not in a baby, not in healing through medicine, not in people to cheer me up--only in Him. Here are some prayers I've been crying out this week, join me in them, please:
"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul...listen to my plea for grace." Psalm 86:4-7 (but really the whole Psalm)
"And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong..." (Isaiah 58:11) Oh, my scorched places, how I have so many!
"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again..." Psalm 71:20
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Part 2: What now?
Back in Greensboro, Andrew began work at his new position. We basically stayed in the house every day in hopes of not seeing anybody. We didn't know what was going on with our lives yet, so of course, we didn't want to try to explain why we were back. We slept on our mattresses on the floor and wore the same clothes around. All our stuff was in the trailer still and we had about a week to figure out what we were doing since there were two girls moving into the rooms we were occupying.
Rewind back to Nashville: the day we moved into and out of the scary house, we met a neighbor who told us the house was a drug house and the guy who lived there was on house arrest. She also told us there was a cute house for rent two houses down on the same street. We had checked it out while we were there, but it was out of our price range with only three people paying rent. The realtor we met through that house though was a huge blessing to us. She looked for houses for us the whole week and even when we left to come home. She also knew the landlord of the cute house and talked him down in rent. Another Laparra brother was planning to move to Nash as well and wanted to live with us. So, with a lower rent price and another person paying, we could afford that house.
After all that we had just been through, however, we were hesitant to send any money or sign anything (even though we had seen this one). We prayed and prayed. We even had thoughts like "are we not supposed to move to Nashville?" But we believe in a Sovereign God who leads by His Spirit and who allows us to make our own decisions--as long as we love Him and love people, we can live anywhere. We still felt strongly that Nashville was where we wanted to be. Instead of asking "where now," we asked "what are we supposed to learn through this," and we pressed on. We were still moving to Nashville.
After working two weeks secretly in Greensboro, we moved back to Nashville on the same street we had tried to move to in the first place--two houses away from the original house. Maybe God brought us to the drug house in order to see the cute house (that wasn't listed). Yes. Maybe God was trying to teach us how to trust Him more. Yes. Maybe He was humbling us. Yes, always, yes.
Our trailer and all our stuff made it to Nashville with us this time. Our neighbors greeted us right away, and one even helped us move in. We pulled our stuff out of the trailer after three weeks. I could cook a homemade meal now! I could stop wearing the same clothes all the time! I had a place to call "home" and I could let me sweet three year old play with her toys agin.
***
Now we are here, and we are rested. We are loving our neighborhood and have found a church we really enjoy. We have a schedule once again, and it feels so good. More on our life here later, as it unfolds. But for now, those of you who are pursing a dream and encountering road-blocks, just keep plowing through and asking what He's trying to teach you through it all.
Rewind back to Nashville: the day we moved into and out of the scary house, we met a neighbor who told us the house was a drug house and the guy who lived there was on house arrest. She also told us there was a cute house for rent two houses down on the same street. We had checked it out while we were there, but it was out of our price range with only three people paying rent. The realtor we met through that house though was a huge blessing to us. She looked for houses for us the whole week and even when we left to come home. She also knew the landlord of the cute house and talked him down in rent. Another Laparra brother was planning to move to Nash as well and wanted to live with us. So, with a lower rent price and another person paying, we could afford that house.
After all that we had just been through, however, we were hesitant to send any money or sign anything (even though we had seen this one). We prayed and prayed. We even had thoughts like "are we not supposed to move to Nashville?" But we believe in a Sovereign God who leads by His Spirit and who allows us to make our own decisions--as long as we love Him and love people, we can live anywhere. We still felt strongly that Nashville was where we wanted to be. Instead of asking "where now," we asked "what are we supposed to learn through this," and we pressed on. We were still moving to Nashville.
After working two weeks secretly in Greensboro, we moved back to Nashville on the same street we had tried to move to in the first place--two houses away from the original house. Maybe God brought us to the drug house in order to see the cute house (that wasn't listed). Yes. Maybe God was trying to teach us how to trust Him more. Yes. Maybe He was humbling us. Yes, always, yes.
Our trailer and all our stuff made it to Nashville with us this time. Our neighbors greeted us right away, and one even helped us move in. We pulled our stuff out of the trailer after three weeks. I could cook a homemade meal now! I could stop wearing the same clothes all the time! I had a place to call "home" and I could let me sweet three year old play with her toys agin.
***
Now we are here, and we are rested. We are loving our neighborhood and have found a church we really enjoy. We have a schedule once again, and it feels so good. More on our life here later, as it unfolds. But for now, those of you who are pursing a dream and encountering road-blocks, just keep plowing through and asking what He's trying to teach you through it all.
Part 1: The craziest move I've ever made
What I'm about to tell you is crazy. It's probably the most stressful adventure of my life thus far--at least in my married and motherly life. It's so different when you're single and adventurous. When you're married with a child, adventure can sometimes seem more like crazy stress. This is the story of our recent move to Nashville.
Packing up was no big deal. I love packing and pairing down. I was in my element. Then the first thing that could go wrong, went wrong. Our trailer we were borrowing from a friend was massive and we couldn't haul it with our Honda Pilot. So we made arrangements for Andrew's brother to haul it a day or two after we moved. Then when we went to put it on his truck, the lights on the trailer didn't work, the pin broke, and the ball wasn't even screwed on tight! We thought, "Thank God, we didn't try to drive that thing to Nashville ourselves. We would have lost it and got in an accident!" So, we left it in his brother's hands to fix and bring up later, and we set off for Nashville.
Sunday, we were so excited when we arrived at our "new" place. From the outside it looked like an older bungalow with lots of character. We had Skyped with the landlord and had only seen it over the phone camera. When we walked in, the living room and kitchen looked nice, but a lot smaller than we had thought. And then our hearts sank as we walked through the hallway--the bathroom was small and hideous (with no lock on it and no window shade for the window INSIDE the shower), the bedrooms were tiny with curtains stapled to the WALLS covering holes and patches and who even knows what, and the upstairs was an attic with ceilings so low Andrew had to duck as he walked through. We thought, "What have we done?" We then had a larger freak out when we discovered roaches--10 within 20 minutes. My three-year-old initiated her move to Nashville by stepping on her first roach, and saying "Got one, Mommy!" Nope. Not doing this. We called the landlord and packed up all our stuff and left the house an hour after we had arrived.
We frantically called friends and asked if we could stay with them. Then we got on Craigslist, Zillow, and Trulia and sought out any available houses. We went to see one that night, but it was a no, so we went to our friends house to call it a day. The next morning, Andrew was on the phone updating his work and telling them that we had no address and they couldn't send his equipment to the original address because it was a roach-infested DRUG (more on that later) house. So, they told him he had by the end of the day to give him an address. How would we find a place to live in the hottest city in the nation right now by the end of the day?! Honestly, I can't remember how many houses we looked at that day. It was all a blur. We were so stressed. And have I mentioned yet, that our sweet three-year-old was such a gem during this all? She was amazing--never complained once and would just ask, "Mommy, are we going to another place?"
Thankfully, we have awesome friends in Nashville and we had a place to stay all week. So we lived out of our car and out of a one bedroom apartment above our friend's house while we searched and prayed. By Wednesday, we thought we had found a place. It was actually an apartment complex with townhouses and Nick (our brother) was planning on moving his family there as well. So we all applied. BUT, our friend who would be living with us was still back in NC and had to get her application notarized. She tried with several different notaries but they wouldn't do it because they didn't have the right document from the apartment complex! Finally they figured it out and she got her application in a day later, only to be denied that same day. Our brother also got denied for no great reason. More doors were closing.
The next day (Thursday) we had several appointments set up to see houses. We had decided that if nothing worked out that day, that we would have to go back home to NC in order for Andrew to start his job on Monday. We were running out of options. We missed one showing simply because we were stuck in traffic for an hour. Then the last showing we went to was late at night. Our realtor told us to bring our checkbook in case we liked it because someone was coming with their applications and deposit in the morning to take it if we didn't. We said no to the place, and sure enough, the other people moved in at 4pm the next day. That house had been on the market for two days.
Nashville real estate is insane right now. So many people are moving there and the housing market is trying to keep up with all the people. This was exciting for us, but frustrating at the same time. So we folded. This was incredibly freeing, but also super complicated. We were heading back home to a place that wasn't even ours anymore (thankfully our sister still lived there and opened it back up to us). Our whole life was still in a trailer at our brother's house, and we still had no place to live permanently. And Andrew started his new job from "home" on Monday. So, Friday morning, we packed up and left the city we just tried to move to. "Just kidding," I thought. What was God doing? We were so sure we were supposed to be in Nashville. Why this? What now? I asked questions all the way home.
Packing up was no big deal. I love packing and pairing down. I was in my element. Then the first thing that could go wrong, went wrong. Our trailer we were borrowing from a friend was massive and we couldn't haul it with our Honda Pilot. So we made arrangements for Andrew's brother to haul it a day or two after we moved. Then when we went to put it on his truck, the lights on the trailer didn't work, the pin broke, and the ball wasn't even screwed on tight! We thought, "Thank God, we didn't try to drive that thing to Nashville ourselves. We would have lost it and got in an accident!" So, we left it in his brother's hands to fix and bring up later, and we set off for Nashville.
Sunday, we were so excited when we arrived at our "new" place. From the outside it looked like an older bungalow with lots of character. We had Skyped with the landlord and had only seen it over the phone camera. When we walked in, the living room and kitchen looked nice, but a lot smaller than we had thought. And then our hearts sank as we walked through the hallway--the bathroom was small and hideous (with no lock on it and no window shade for the window INSIDE the shower), the bedrooms were tiny with curtains stapled to the WALLS covering holes and patches and who even knows what, and the upstairs was an attic with ceilings so low Andrew had to duck as he walked through. We thought, "What have we done?" We then had a larger freak out when we discovered roaches--10 within 20 minutes. My three-year-old initiated her move to Nashville by stepping on her first roach, and saying "Got one, Mommy!" Nope. Not doing this. We called the landlord and packed up all our stuff and left the house an hour after we had arrived.
We frantically called friends and asked if we could stay with them. Then we got on Craigslist, Zillow, and Trulia and sought out any available houses. We went to see one that night, but it was a no, so we went to our friends house to call it a day. The next morning, Andrew was on the phone updating his work and telling them that we had no address and they couldn't send his equipment to the original address because it was a roach-infested DRUG (more on that later) house. So, they told him he had by the end of the day to give him an address. How would we find a place to live in the hottest city in the nation right now by the end of the day?! Honestly, I can't remember how many houses we looked at that day. It was all a blur. We were so stressed. And have I mentioned yet, that our sweet three-year-old was such a gem during this all? She was amazing--never complained once and would just ask, "Mommy, are we going to another place?"
Thankfully, we have awesome friends in Nashville and we had a place to stay all week. So we lived out of our car and out of a one bedroom apartment above our friend's house while we searched and prayed. By Wednesday, we thought we had found a place. It was actually an apartment complex with townhouses and Nick (our brother) was planning on moving his family there as well. So we all applied. BUT, our friend who would be living with us was still back in NC and had to get her application notarized. She tried with several different notaries but they wouldn't do it because they didn't have the right document from the apartment complex! Finally they figured it out and she got her application in a day later, only to be denied that same day. Our brother also got denied for no great reason. More doors were closing.
The next day (Thursday) we had several appointments set up to see houses. We had decided that if nothing worked out that day, that we would have to go back home to NC in order for Andrew to start his job on Monday. We were running out of options. We missed one showing simply because we were stuck in traffic for an hour. Then the last showing we went to was late at night. Our realtor told us to bring our checkbook in case we liked it because someone was coming with their applications and deposit in the morning to take it if we didn't. We said no to the place, and sure enough, the other people moved in at 4pm the next day. That house had been on the market for two days.
Nashville real estate is insane right now. So many people are moving there and the housing market is trying to keep up with all the people. This was exciting for us, but frustrating at the same time. So we folded. This was incredibly freeing, but also super complicated. We were heading back home to a place that wasn't even ours anymore (thankfully our sister still lived there and opened it back up to us). Our whole life was still in a trailer at our brother's house, and we still had no place to live permanently. And Andrew started his new job from "home" on Monday. So, Friday morning, we packed up and left the city we just tried to move to. "Just kidding," I thought. What was God doing? We were so sure we were supposed to be in Nashville. Why this? What now? I asked questions all the way home.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
The practice of being present
For the past year, God has been teaching me how to be present. This month, however, He's been forcing me to literally live day to day (more on this later), which has caused me to be way more present.
Before I got sick last year and began my battle with infertility, I planned a lot. I thought often about when I wanted to be pregnant, when we wanted to move next, start a business, travel, etc. Then God, in his kindness, crushed my long-term planning mindset. I thought, why, as humans, are we so tempted to live in the future? Today is all we have. We are all one phone-call away from our world turning upside-down, so why are we trying to figure out tomorrow and next month and next year instead of fully living today?
So, I began this journey of removing my focus on the future and placing it on the present. It has truly helped my contentment factor with this infertility thing. And not only that, but it has allowed me to see God more clearly and hear Him better. Here are some things I've changed recently that have helped me be present.
-I stopped caring about the location of my phone. When my phone wasn't around, I was more focused on what I was doing, who I was talking to, and what was in front of me. If I missed a call or a text, I could get back to that person later. It was so freeing.
-I removed Facebook from my phone. I don't know about you, but for me, Facebook was a big time-waster. This was life-changing. Now, I wasn't even tempted to look at my phone when I had a free second because my biggest time-waster was gone!
-I started caring more about other people's lives and a little less about mine. It really does give perspective when you walk with people through the ups and downs of their lives instead of being consumed by your own. When I began to get sad about my infertility, I prayed for those who've never had the chance to have a baby, or those who have lost babies (some of whom happened to be my close friends). It really helped me to be thankful for what God had already given me.
-I turned down the noise. Do you ever sit in silence? You should. It's comforting. No music, no voices, no electronics--just me and my thoughts and the Spirit of God, ready to speak. When you give silence a chance, you can hear what is happening around you now.
-I prayed for simpler things. When we were looking for housing in Nashville, I prayed for something weird--a house without a dishwasher. Why? I love hand-washing dishes. It slows life down and allows me to think and pray while my hands are at work. Plus, it reminds me of a simpler time in life where we didn't have immediate gratification for everything.
The practice of being present has been a game-changer for me. I long to live fully in this life so that I can best prepare for the next life--the eternal one, where we will forever be in His Presence.
Before I got sick last year and began my battle with infertility, I planned a lot. I thought often about when I wanted to be pregnant, when we wanted to move next, start a business, travel, etc. Then God, in his kindness, crushed my long-term planning mindset. I thought, why, as humans, are we so tempted to live in the future? Today is all we have. We are all one phone-call away from our world turning upside-down, so why are we trying to figure out tomorrow and next month and next year instead of fully living today?
So, I began this journey of removing my focus on the future and placing it on the present. It has truly helped my contentment factor with this infertility thing. And not only that, but it has allowed me to see God more clearly and hear Him better. Here are some things I've changed recently that have helped me be present.
-I stopped caring about the location of my phone. When my phone wasn't around, I was more focused on what I was doing, who I was talking to, and what was in front of me. If I missed a call or a text, I could get back to that person later. It was so freeing.
-I removed Facebook from my phone. I don't know about you, but for me, Facebook was a big time-waster. This was life-changing. Now, I wasn't even tempted to look at my phone when I had a free second because my biggest time-waster was gone!
-I started caring more about other people's lives and a little less about mine. It really does give perspective when you walk with people through the ups and downs of their lives instead of being consumed by your own. When I began to get sad about my infertility, I prayed for those who've never had the chance to have a baby, or those who have lost babies (some of whom happened to be my close friends). It really helped me to be thankful for what God had already given me.
-I turned down the noise. Do you ever sit in silence? You should. It's comforting. No music, no voices, no electronics--just me and my thoughts and the Spirit of God, ready to speak. When you give silence a chance, you can hear what is happening around you now.
-I prayed for simpler things. When we were looking for housing in Nashville, I prayed for something weird--a house without a dishwasher. Why? I love hand-washing dishes. It slows life down and allows me to think and pray while my hands are at work. Plus, it reminds me of a simpler time in life where we didn't have immediate gratification for everything.
The practice of being present has been a game-changer for me. I long to live fully in this life so that I can best prepare for the next life--the eternal one, where we will forever be in His Presence.
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