I am already at the end of my pregnancy. In fact, I thought maybe our baby would be here by now. But, here I sit impatiently waiting for his arrival, just as I waited for his conception, the morning sickness to pass, the knowledge of his sex and his health, his first movements, etc. This whole thing has been a waiting game.
Honestly, this pregnancy has flown by, even in all the waiting. With all things involved with pregnancy, health, birth and preparation, it's easy to lose sight of the one who will be in your arms at the end of it all. This week, I've had so many kind reminders from the Lord that this is not about me but about Him. This is all for His glory. Part of me had such a negative view for so long on life, that I can't believe he has sustained me and this child this whole pregnancy and answered so many prayers. I've learned so much about the Father's compassion and kindness through this journey. I went to acupuncture yesterday to induce labor and as I sat there, I realized the last time I was there was when I was doing acupuncture for infertility a year ago. It's simply amazing what He has done. And also how amazingly sad that we forget His works so quickly.
The journey I've been on even throughout this pregnancy has been one of great joy, fear and lots of healing. After my crazy birth with Sybil, my sickness and infertility, and just being a sinful human, I had a lot to process through in order to prepare for another birth--way more than I had imagined. Honestly, I think I had a little PTSD from Sybil's birth that I had to work through once faced with the reality of having another baby. I had to decide if I was going to do another C-section or attempt a VBAC. I then had to find a doctor who supported my decision. Not to mention the search for a doula who could support me in a VBAC who didn't cost a fortune. And in each of those decisions and searches, God revealed himself to me and directed me and calmed my fears. Now I'm at the end of this and He's calling me to trust him on when this child will arrive.
Over the past three weeks, my body has given me almost every sign that it could go into labor at any moment (except for my water breaking). This has been extremely exciting and also kind of frustrating. It's a constant mind game. Is it going to be today? Tomorrow? Next week? I'm so ready to meet this little one. I'm so ready to labor and birth (hopefully differently than the first time). Yet, again, He's calling me to wait and trust. Just like in the beginning of this, I still have no control whatsoever. This isn't about me. This is all about Him and His glory. He will do whatever brings Him the most glory. I'm just the vessel. I can't wait to see what He does with me and this baby. It's already been so beautiful.
