...is when you have ovarian cysts that cause pregnancy symptoms without an actual baby.
I have had it all (multiple times this year, actually)--nausea, sore breasts, painful gas, headaches, fatigue, etc.--everything that comes with early pregnancy, except the really great part--a baby. Yes, my body tells me I'm pregnant, but it is lying to me. You may say, "This sounds confusing." Tell me about it! A woman's body is complicated, but there are many different things that can cause similar symptoms. PMS, pregnancy, ovarian cysts all can give the same signals, but all have (VERY) different outcomes. This wouldn't be so terrible if I wasn't trying to get pregnant. It's bad enough to want to have another child and not be able to. But then it is even worse when you're body gives pregnancy signs and you get your hopes up, only to find out it's just another cyst instead of a baby.
I feel like I'm dying inside. This week, all I can do is cry. Literally, I just cry all the time. And that is so not me. I'm not a cryer or a feeler. I rarely ever shed tears. Often times, my husband says to me, "I wish you were more emotional." Seriously. This week, however, anything triggers this waterfall on my face. I see a pregnant person on Facebook--> tear sesh. Someone prays for me aloud--> waterworks. I think about how dark and deep my sin is and how terribly I'm choosing to suffer and how Jesus suffered so well for me--> soaked pillow, blotchy eyes. You get the point. My face hurts from the wincing in pain, my phone emoticons automatically bring up the tear face, distressed face, and upside down eyebrow one, and my ovaries hurt, and I want to throw up all the time. The end.
Rant over. Maybe.
I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just asking for prayer. I'm also sick of infertility being such a hush hush issue, so I'm talking about it. Because, honestly, my struggle in this hasn't been so much that I really want a baby, but that I feel so alone in this. I feel like no one understands. But I know there are women out there like me, somewhere. So, if you're there, speak up and reach out! We need each other.
Also, my Rock and only hope in this has been Jesus. This week, especially, I've been reminded that Jesus knows my longing for a new body and a perfect world where there is no sin or sadness, and He conquered death that I might experience it with Him one day. I hope only in Him--not in a baby, not in healing through medicine, not in people to cheer me up--only in Him. Here are some prayers I've been crying out this week, join me in them, please:
"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul...listen to my plea for grace." Psalm 86:4-7 (but really the whole Psalm)
"And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong..." (Isaiah 58:11) Oh, my scorched places, how I have so many!
"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again..." Psalm 71:20
Monday, March 28, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Part 2: What now?
Back in Greensboro, Andrew began work at his new position. We basically stayed in the house every day in hopes of not seeing anybody. We didn't know what was going on with our lives yet, so of course, we didn't want to try to explain why we were back. We slept on our mattresses on the floor and wore the same clothes around. All our stuff was in the trailer still and we had about a week to figure out what we were doing since there were two girls moving into the rooms we were occupying.
Rewind back to Nashville: the day we moved into and out of the scary house, we met a neighbor who told us the house was a drug house and the guy who lived there was on house arrest. She also told us there was a cute house for rent two houses down on the same street. We had checked it out while we were there, but it was out of our price range with only three people paying rent. The realtor we met through that house though was a huge blessing to us. She looked for houses for us the whole week and even when we left to come home. She also knew the landlord of the cute house and talked him down in rent. Another Laparra brother was planning to move to Nash as well and wanted to live with us. So, with a lower rent price and another person paying, we could afford that house.
After all that we had just been through, however, we were hesitant to send any money or sign anything (even though we had seen this one). We prayed and prayed. We even had thoughts like "are we not supposed to move to Nashville?" But we believe in a Sovereign God who leads by His Spirit and who allows us to make our own decisions--as long as we love Him and love people, we can live anywhere. We still felt strongly that Nashville was where we wanted to be. Instead of asking "where now," we asked "what are we supposed to learn through this," and we pressed on. We were still moving to Nashville.
After working two weeks secretly in Greensboro, we moved back to Nashville on the same street we had tried to move to in the first place--two houses away from the original house. Maybe God brought us to the drug house in order to see the cute house (that wasn't listed). Yes. Maybe God was trying to teach us how to trust Him more. Yes. Maybe He was humbling us. Yes, always, yes.
Our trailer and all our stuff made it to Nashville with us this time. Our neighbors greeted us right away, and one even helped us move in. We pulled our stuff out of the trailer after three weeks. I could cook a homemade meal now! I could stop wearing the same clothes all the time! I had a place to call "home" and I could let me sweet three year old play with her toys agin.
***
Now we are here, and we are rested. We are loving our neighborhood and have found a church we really enjoy. We have a schedule once again, and it feels so good. More on our life here later, as it unfolds. But for now, those of you who are pursing a dream and encountering road-blocks, just keep plowing through and asking what He's trying to teach you through it all.
Rewind back to Nashville: the day we moved into and out of the scary house, we met a neighbor who told us the house was a drug house and the guy who lived there was on house arrest. She also told us there was a cute house for rent two houses down on the same street. We had checked it out while we were there, but it was out of our price range with only three people paying rent. The realtor we met through that house though was a huge blessing to us. She looked for houses for us the whole week and even when we left to come home. She also knew the landlord of the cute house and talked him down in rent. Another Laparra brother was planning to move to Nash as well and wanted to live with us. So, with a lower rent price and another person paying, we could afford that house.
After all that we had just been through, however, we were hesitant to send any money or sign anything (even though we had seen this one). We prayed and prayed. We even had thoughts like "are we not supposed to move to Nashville?" But we believe in a Sovereign God who leads by His Spirit and who allows us to make our own decisions--as long as we love Him and love people, we can live anywhere. We still felt strongly that Nashville was where we wanted to be. Instead of asking "where now," we asked "what are we supposed to learn through this," and we pressed on. We were still moving to Nashville.
After working two weeks secretly in Greensboro, we moved back to Nashville on the same street we had tried to move to in the first place--two houses away from the original house. Maybe God brought us to the drug house in order to see the cute house (that wasn't listed). Yes. Maybe God was trying to teach us how to trust Him more. Yes. Maybe He was humbling us. Yes, always, yes.
Our trailer and all our stuff made it to Nashville with us this time. Our neighbors greeted us right away, and one even helped us move in. We pulled our stuff out of the trailer after three weeks. I could cook a homemade meal now! I could stop wearing the same clothes all the time! I had a place to call "home" and I could let me sweet three year old play with her toys agin.
***
Now we are here, and we are rested. We are loving our neighborhood and have found a church we really enjoy. We have a schedule once again, and it feels so good. More on our life here later, as it unfolds. But for now, those of you who are pursing a dream and encountering road-blocks, just keep plowing through and asking what He's trying to teach you through it all.
Part 1: The craziest move I've ever made
What I'm about to tell you is crazy. It's probably the most stressful adventure of my life thus far--at least in my married and motherly life. It's so different when you're single and adventurous. When you're married with a child, adventure can sometimes seem more like crazy stress. This is the story of our recent move to Nashville.
Packing up was no big deal. I love packing and pairing down. I was in my element. Then the first thing that could go wrong, went wrong. Our trailer we were borrowing from a friend was massive and we couldn't haul it with our Honda Pilot. So we made arrangements for Andrew's brother to haul it a day or two after we moved. Then when we went to put it on his truck, the lights on the trailer didn't work, the pin broke, and the ball wasn't even screwed on tight! We thought, "Thank God, we didn't try to drive that thing to Nashville ourselves. We would have lost it and got in an accident!" So, we left it in his brother's hands to fix and bring up later, and we set off for Nashville.
Sunday, we were so excited when we arrived at our "new" place. From the outside it looked like an older bungalow with lots of character. We had Skyped with the landlord and had only seen it over the phone camera. When we walked in, the living room and kitchen looked nice, but a lot smaller than we had thought. And then our hearts sank as we walked through the hallway--the bathroom was small and hideous (with no lock on it and no window shade for the window INSIDE the shower), the bedrooms were tiny with curtains stapled to the WALLS covering holes and patches and who even knows what, and the upstairs was an attic with ceilings so low Andrew had to duck as he walked through. We thought, "What have we done?" We then had a larger freak out when we discovered roaches--10 within 20 minutes. My three-year-old initiated her move to Nashville by stepping on her first roach, and saying "Got one, Mommy!" Nope. Not doing this. We called the landlord and packed up all our stuff and left the house an hour after we had arrived.
We frantically called friends and asked if we could stay with them. Then we got on Craigslist, Zillow, and Trulia and sought out any available houses. We went to see one that night, but it was a no, so we went to our friends house to call it a day. The next morning, Andrew was on the phone updating his work and telling them that we had no address and they couldn't send his equipment to the original address because it was a roach-infested DRUG (more on that later) house. So, they told him he had by the end of the day to give him an address. How would we find a place to live in the hottest city in the nation right now by the end of the day?! Honestly, I can't remember how many houses we looked at that day. It was all a blur. We were so stressed. And have I mentioned yet, that our sweet three-year-old was such a gem during this all? She was amazing--never complained once and would just ask, "Mommy, are we going to another place?"
Thankfully, we have awesome friends in Nashville and we had a place to stay all week. So we lived out of our car and out of a one bedroom apartment above our friend's house while we searched and prayed. By Wednesday, we thought we had found a place. It was actually an apartment complex with townhouses and Nick (our brother) was planning on moving his family there as well. So we all applied. BUT, our friend who would be living with us was still back in NC and had to get her application notarized. She tried with several different notaries but they wouldn't do it because they didn't have the right document from the apartment complex! Finally they figured it out and she got her application in a day later, only to be denied that same day. Our brother also got denied for no great reason. More doors were closing.
The next day (Thursday) we had several appointments set up to see houses. We had decided that if nothing worked out that day, that we would have to go back home to NC in order for Andrew to start his job on Monday. We were running out of options. We missed one showing simply because we were stuck in traffic for an hour. Then the last showing we went to was late at night. Our realtor told us to bring our checkbook in case we liked it because someone was coming with their applications and deposit in the morning to take it if we didn't. We said no to the place, and sure enough, the other people moved in at 4pm the next day. That house had been on the market for two days.
Nashville real estate is insane right now. So many people are moving there and the housing market is trying to keep up with all the people. This was exciting for us, but frustrating at the same time. So we folded. This was incredibly freeing, but also super complicated. We were heading back home to a place that wasn't even ours anymore (thankfully our sister still lived there and opened it back up to us). Our whole life was still in a trailer at our brother's house, and we still had no place to live permanently. And Andrew started his new job from "home" on Monday. So, Friday morning, we packed up and left the city we just tried to move to. "Just kidding," I thought. What was God doing? We were so sure we were supposed to be in Nashville. Why this? What now? I asked questions all the way home.
Packing up was no big deal. I love packing and pairing down. I was in my element. Then the first thing that could go wrong, went wrong. Our trailer we were borrowing from a friend was massive and we couldn't haul it with our Honda Pilot. So we made arrangements for Andrew's brother to haul it a day or two after we moved. Then when we went to put it on his truck, the lights on the trailer didn't work, the pin broke, and the ball wasn't even screwed on tight! We thought, "Thank God, we didn't try to drive that thing to Nashville ourselves. We would have lost it and got in an accident!" So, we left it in his brother's hands to fix and bring up later, and we set off for Nashville.
Sunday, we were so excited when we arrived at our "new" place. From the outside it looked like an older bungalow with lots of character. We had Skyped with the landlord and had only seen it over the phone camera. When we walked in, the living room and kitchen looked nice, but a lot smaller than we had thought. And then our hearts sank as we walked through the hallway--the bathroom was small and hideous (with no lock on it and no window shade for the window INSIDE the shower), the bedrooms were tiny with curtains stapled to the WALLS covering holes and patches and who even knows what, and the upstairs was an attic with ceilings so low Andrew had to duck as he walked through. We thought, "What have we done?" We then had a larger freak out when we discovered roaches--10 within 20 minutes. My three-year-old initiated her move to Nashville by stepping on her first roach, and saying "Got one, Mommy!" Nope. Not doing this. We called the landlord and packed up all our stuff and left the house an hour after we had arrived.
We frantically called friends and asked if we could stay with them. Then we got on Craigslist, Zillow, and Trulia and sought out any available houses. We went to see one that night, but it was a no, so we went to our friends house to call it a day. The next morning, Andrew was on the phone updating his work and telling them that we had no address and they couldn't send his equipment to the original address because it was a roach-infested DRUG (more on that later) house. So, they told him he had by the end of the day to give him an address. How would we find a place to live in the hottest city in the nation right now by the end of the day?! Honestly, I can't remember how many houses we looked at that day. It was all a blur. We were so stressed. And have I mentioned yet, that our sweet three-year-old was such a gem during this all? She was amazing--never complained once and would just ask, "Mommy, are we going to another place?"
Thankfully, we have awesome friends in Nashville and we had a place to stay all week. So we lived out of our car and out of a one bedroom apartment above our friend's house while we searched and prayed. By Wednesday, we thought we had found a place. It was actually an apartment complex with townhouses and Nick (our brother) was planning on moving his family there as well. So we all applied. BUT, our friend who would be living with us was still back in NC and had to get her application notarized. She tried with several different notaries but they wouldn't do it because they didn't have the right document from the apartment complex! Finally they figured it out and she got her application in a day later, only to be denied that same day. Our brother also got denied for no great reason. More doors were closing.
The next day (Thursday) we had several appointments set up to see houses. We had decided that if nothing worked out that day, that we would have to go back home to NC in order for Andrew to start his job on Monday. We were running out of options. We missed one showing simply because we were stuck in traffic for an hour. Then the last showing we went to was late at night. Our realtor told us to bring our checkbook in case we liked it because someone was coming with their applications and deposit in the morning to take it if we didn't. We said no to the place, and sure enough, the other people moved in at 4pm the next day. That house had been on the market for two days.
Nashville real estate is insane right now. So many people are moving there and the housing market is trying to keep up with all the people. This was exciting for us, but frustrating at the same time. So we folded. This was incredibly freeing, but also super complicated. We were heading back home to a place that wasn't even ours anymore (thankfully our sister still lived there and opened it back up to us). Our whole life was still in a trailer at our brother's house, and we still had no place to live permanently. And Andrew started his new job from "home" on Monday. So, Friday morning, we packed up and left the city we just tried to move to. "Just kidding," I thought. What was God doing? We were so sure we were supposed to be in Nashville. Why this? What now? I asked questions all the way home.
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