Shedding off and moving on

The last year has been such a process of shedding off for me. I've shed pounds, worries, clothes, and material things. About once a month, Andrew and I go through some room or closet in our house and get rid of things we don't need or want. And we get SO excited while doing it. We have always been minimalists at heart, but now, we really are in practice as well. We work hard not to be drawn in by the things of this world. We try our best to teach our child that people are more important than things and when it comes down to it, we'll give away things just to make room for people. We leave this life just as we came into it, naked and with nothing in our hands. Therefore, things and materials should have no weight in our lives.

Recently, Andrew brought this verse to my attention: "Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction." (1 Tim. 6:6-9)

With food and clothing, we will be content. Food? Check. Clothing? Check, check. A bunch of other stuff not mentioned that I think I need for my contentment? Check. I'm not just talking about material things here. In my heart lately, I've been struggling with this infertility thing--just every day, wanting a baby and not getting one. I've let my heart believe that I need food, clothing, AND another baby in order to be content. When my mind knows that is not true--all I really need is Christ and what he chooses to provide for me. Jesus never promised me another baby, but he did promise to feed and clothe me (Matthew 6). The simplicity of this reminds me of Christ, himself, who came to this earth as a humble baby and had no place to lay his head. He also told his disciples to take nothing but the clothes on their backs and sandals on their feet. He lived this out. Jesus was the ultimate minimalist.

I think that's why I'm drawn so much to having so little. I want to be like Christ and live a life as close to his as possible. Recently, God has given Andrew and I much clarity in where our lives and our ministry are heading. We desire to live simply in a city that we love, with people for whom we deeply care, and dig our roots down deep in order to be the Light of Christ in that place long-term (really, until Christ returns or we die). This place is not Greensboro for us. Greensboro was always meant to be a temporary move. God has done great things while we've been here and we've been so well cared for, but now it is time to say goodbye. We feel confident in this next move--a move with purpose and longevity and mission.

We're moving to Nashville, Tennessee!

Nashville is a growing city with opportunity and life happening. It is diverse and centrally located between my family and Andrew's family. We have friends there and a church we can plug into right away. It is a city where our future business will flourish. And we already love the city. We are really excited for this move, since it has been well thought out and prayed about for over a year and a half. We are excited for new opportunities, new community and most of all, a place to put our roots down and STAY. We'd love to host people once we get settled, so come visit us! Pray for our transition in the meantime--that as we take our few belongings and start over in a new city, the Lord would continue to guide our steps and bless us with His presence as we seek to live life like Jesus, simply loving God and loving people with all we have.

Seasons change, and so do I.

I'm not even sure where to start. My heart is bursting today with so many thankful thoughts. I'm about to share an excerpt from my journal from a few weeks ago. In it, I talk about the seasons changing and all that God has done in me over the last year. This feels very appropriate since my 31st (gasp) birthday is on Monday, and I celebrate the hardest year of my life coming to a close, and a new one beginning. I journal straight to the Lord, so if you get confused while reading, just remember I'm not talking to you :)

***
With each season, I feel you doing something new. Last winter felt like nothing but darkness and affliction--death was everywhere I looked. My health was failing, my friends lost babies, and the days were long and cold. Then came Spring, and we went to Nashville. While there, you brought me hope and healing. I was prayed over and infused with life again--your Spirit within me, alive and well. And Summer, oh sweet Summer--it was blessing upon blessing, gratitude and thankfulness each day. My faith grew and grew and I saw you as a God who can truly do anything, and not only that, but began to pray that way. And now, as Fall approaches and leaves begin to change color and detach from branches all around, I feel again a new season in my life. This is a season of shedding off the old and putting on the new, a season of slimming down (in body and burden and material things), a season of letting go and moving on. I feel a season of answered prayers coming our way.

Fall has always been my favorite season since I can remember. There is so much beauty in change.

I thrive, not in the expected, but in the constant movement of change. I love the preparation as well as the journey, it's the staying that scares me. I've said this before, but I can't help but say it again...the beauty of Fall reminds me of the beauty of dying to ourselves. I love that the leaves reach their peak beauty, not in full bloom in the Summer, but on their way to death. May that be true in my life too. May I reach my peak beauty the closer I get to death--not the death of my body, but the death of my flesh. As I become less like Lindsey and more like Jesus, may I resemble the yellows, oranges and reds that burst before they hit the ground.
***

Although I wrote this weeks ago, I already see it playing itself out. Today I received a letter stating my hospital bill from December 2014, which was for $10,000, will be 100% covered. Praise God! For some reason, it had to take nine months to get approved. After paperwork, faxes, phone calls, debt collectors, and many trips to the mailbox, it has finally ended. I don't know how it took so long. Maybe it was because it had to get into the right hands, or that God was doing a work in my heart to trust Him in the stress of finances, or that He wanted to bless me in THIS season and not the last, or all of the above. But for whatever reason it may be, I am thankful that it is now. My God is my provider in each season, but man do I love that seasons change, and so do I. This year has taught me more about hope, faith, and love in the face of adversity. Jesus has changed me and I'm so thankful. I love change.

Health!

Let me just start with an amazing fact: I feel the best I have felt (physically and spiritually) in over three years.

As I look back onto the last (very difficult) year, and look forward to my baby turning three(!) in a few short months, I realize my body has done some very amazing things over the last several years. I went from running half-marathons to being pregnant and sick, having a natural labor, pushing for 4 hours and then having an emergency c-section. And then I went from a relatively healthy post-baby body to a sick and too-skinny hospitalized body. And now, just six months later, I am the healthiest I've been in probably three years. I feel amazing!

I owe this to my God, first off, but also to a knowledge and practice of eating healthy and caring for my body. I am currently doing the Beach Body 21 Day Fix. It's a combination of portion-controlled eating and daily full-body workouts. Not a lot has changed since doing this, because I was already doing similar workouts (just not as intense) and was eating similarly (thanks to THM). The major difference is that I'm measuring and tracking everything I'm eating (and I've cut out sweets). I feel so great. I have no tummy issues, I'm regular (sorry if it's TMI), and I have more daily energy than I have in (again) three years.

Aside from the physical aspect of my health though, I am also feeling so spiritually healthy these days. I just finished a great read called "The Insanity of God," which affirmed a lot of things the Lord has been teaching me over the last year. I promise, one can learn more in a year of affliction and suffering than in a life-time of ease. I have had to learn contentment in all circumstances (as Paul talked about, although not nearly as severe) and have learned that Christ is our greatest treasure and worthy to be praised even in times of darkness and despair. I have learned about having faith, against all odds, and listening close for the Spirit's prompting. I am constantly hungry for more of God's Spirit and always looking for His presence. I feel so alive right now.

I'm thankful for all God is doing in me and all he has done over the past year. I think it is so kind of the Lord to have given me sickness that I might draw closer to him and become more like Christ in his suffering. Although this has been the most difficult year of my life, it has probably been one of the most fruitful years. I am filled with gratitude for all that I've been through, all that I have, and all that I've learned this last year.

A Call to Holiness

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about our call to holiness as Christians.

"As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:14-16)

Let's get one thing straight before I share my thoughts on pursuing holiness...
Jesus alone is holy. And if we are in Christ, we have his holiness before God. Our hope is not in ourselves, but in what Jesus has already done. Period.

However, Scripture makes it very clear that we must strive for holiness during our time here as aliens. Scripture also makes it clear that sanctification is part of the process of being a Christian--being transformed into the likeness of Christ. What does this look like for us? I believe there are two practical things we can do when striving for holiness: 1. Run from sin. 2. Dwell on what is good.

When I say run from sin, I mean to physically pick yourself up and run the opposite direction from temptation. Brothers and sisters, I'm serious. If there is something tempting you, get away from it if possible. If you're tempted sexually, look the other way, turn off the tv, get out of bed, leave the house, call your friend, run. If you're tempted to envy, remove the Facebook app off your phone, stop looking at Instagram, count your blessings, find joy in what you have. We are being fed lies every day and are being tempted from every angle. If we are serious about Jesus and becoming like him, we must run. I'm not saying remove yourself from the world. That would be impossible and unChristlike. But I am saying, if there is something tempting you that you have control over (i.e. Facebook, activities, bad influences, entertainment) remove it from your life for a period of time and see what happens. See how you grow in holiness.

Ephesians 5 has been speaking to me lately. This idea of light and darkness is such a great display of how to live our lives in pursuit of holiness. "...for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."

It says that at one time we were darkness--not that we were in darkness or that darkness was around us, but that we were darkness. Just take a moment to remember how dark you were before you met Christ. But now, we are light. Darkness and light have no fellowship together. Imagine a dark, cold room with no windows, no cracks, no light. Then suddenly a door is opened just a crack and the light shines in and overcomes the darkness. Even the smallest amount of light exposes everything around you when you're in the dark. It is the same with sin. When we are in the darkness of our sin, we need light to see, which brings me to my second point--dwell on what is good.

The fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true. This verse also reminds me of Philippians 4:8-9, when we are called to think on whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and praiseworthy. Instead of feeding your brain with garbage, think on lovely things. Also, if you're struggling with a "grey" area, ask if it is any, or all, of these things. Is this movie pure? Is this relationship honorable and good? Is this (insert specific activity) right and true? If the answer is no, then dwell on something that is.

My desire in this post is to spur you on. I can't help but be reminded that if Christ died for me, the least I can do for him is stop watching a show on Netflix or remove my Facebook app on my phone. He is worthy of these small and big sacrifices. If we are serious about becoming like Him, we must become less like the world. Press on, friends.

*For a great sermon on this (Philippians 4:8-9) listen here.

Answered prayers, left and right!

Jesus is good.

He is faithful.

He hears and He answers, according to His good, perfect and pleasing will.

You guys, God has answered so many of my prayers lately. Today was a culmination of things when a huge prayer was answered. Here it is:

100% of my hospital bill (one of them) from when I was uninsured is covered by financial aid!

I have been praying for this since I got sick and had to go to the ER back in November for the first time. It has been a source of anxiety for months. I've had to send in document after document, call the hospital month after month, and re-print taxes and bank statements time after time. But it was all worth it! God had mercy on us and has provided help to pay our hospital bill. I was in tears as I read the acceptance letter today, overwhelmed with his goodness.

Not only this, but God has provided an opportunity for Andrew (free of charge) to learn from professionals in our city in order to better pursue one of our business dreams. This came about in a providential way and we are so excited to join this exclusive group/training for the next 10 weeks. This is also a huge answer to prayer since we have been praying for direction for the last eight months on our next step in life.

Last, but not at all least, God has provided joy and peace and contentment for my heart as I wait on the hope of another child. I prayed this verse for myself last week and felt an immediate answer every day since:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13

And so it is, I am abounding in hope because my God is faithful to answer. Praise Him!

(Praying now for our other, much larger, hospital bill to be covered too!)

Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I envy the birds sometimes.

I sat at a coffee shop this morning and watched a bird perched outside the window. It was so still, basking in the sun, I thought it might be dead. Then I saw the rise and fall of its chest, and I knew it was just resting. Even in its stillness, I knew it felt free. Birds can fly away to safety and rest whenever they choose. I envy them.

It reminded me of a Psalm I long ago clung to tightly as a new believer.

"And I say, 'Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest.'" (Ps. 55:6-8)

This battle with infertility is more a battle of my heart and mind than it is of my body. I know that God is the One who creates life and He can do it whenever He pleases. I know my body needs time to heal. I know I am called to have faith and believe His timing is perfect. I know I am not alone in this. But my heart...

It gets so hard sometimes. I wrestle with God on which side of the fence to land. Should I have faith and be hopeful each month? Or, should I be realistic and recognize I will most likely never get pregnant again, and then if I do, be surprised at the miracle? This back and forth between hoping and accepting what is can get exhausting. I want to fly away to rest, just like a bird.

And then I'm reminded of another Scripture about the birds.
"Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Luke 6:26-27)

Of course! The reason they are so free is not because they can fly away, but because they have no worries. They know they will be provided for and therefore, can rest in what it means to be a bird created by the Creator. Instead of flying away, I need to stay and just be.

Back to Psalm 55: "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage..."

So I watched the bird fly away, and I stayed at that table to wage the battle of my heart. He cares for me more than that bird, and He will provide for me, always. Staying to fight the battle draws me closer than if I fly away. Draw me in, Lord. Soften my heart. Make me like you, Jesus, that in trial I will not crumble but will be made stronger by your strength and your Spirit. You are my safe place. There's no need to fly.

An Easter Poem

Here's a little something that poured out of my heart as I thought about Jesus today:

My hands were filthy,

My heart was dark and hard.

My eyes were blind, my ears, plugged.

I was bent toward evil, running to pleasures that proved empty.

I hated truth and beauty.

I ignored conviction and sought approval in man.

But you, O God, did not let me stand.

I pierced you with my lies.

Your blood flowed from your side.

I still turned away.

I tried to do it on my own, this thing called life.

I ran farther. and let you take my stripes.

You welcomed me in, while I was yet a sinner.

In my darkness, you sought me out.

As your blood flowed and you suffered, you thought of me.

You picked me up and brushed me off, softening this heart of stoney debris.

I melted. I broke. I shattered at your feet.

At the love of a Savior, so great—who would give His life for a piece of rubbish.

Rubbish like me.

Yet in my brokenness and confession of my pride, you stood by my side.

The nails through your hands pounded so deep they found me.

I was crucified with you, the death of my flesh.

To the grave I went--once alive, now dead.

I was gone, and only you remained.

Dead for three days, now alive forevermore.

Jesus, you reign in this body of death.

Your name now engraved on my hands and my head.

My hands now clean, my heart now soft.

Your blood ran over; every inch of me new.

Now eternity rings in my heart every day.

Risen indeed is so easy to say.

For truly you live.

I can feel you now.

Interceding and pleading for my soul, but how?

You conquered death and you sit on your throne.

At the Father’s right hand,

It is your place alone.

So, this is my anthem.

I sing it aloud.

Take this life, now it’s yours.

For you found me out.

No need to hide anymore, I can live truly free.

Since now every day is Sunday to me.

"The Want"

*Let me preface this post with two things: 1. I am feeling normal again! Praise! I don't know how long it'll last, but this is the best I've felt in four and a half months, so I'll take it! 2. This post has no filter--it is the continued aftermath of my "sickness". Please don't read it and think I'm not happy for you if you're pregnant. Read it as a spiritual encouragement, which is what it is to me.

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My nose started to tingle from the inside out. The moisture in my eyes began to build up and press my lids. I took a deep breath, and the first tear fell.

Was it the Spirit moving, softening my heart? Or was it my already hard heart throwing a fit over something I wanted and didn’t have? This infertility thing is just a cover, you know—a cover for something deeper, something I call “the want”. We are too often in want when we should actually never be in want. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” Need I say more, my soul?

The Lord is my shepherd. He cares for me. He watches over me. Anything I need, I get—straight from his loving hand. So, why the want? I’ve come to decide that the want is given to push me closer to the Shepherd, my Lord. If all my wants were satisfied, then I would be satisfied here. But why would I ever want to be fully satisfied here, in a place that is not my home? I could get stuck here and think this was “it” if I had it “all”. No, even my wants are used by the Good Shepherd to keep me longing for my home with Him.

I’ve decided that it is good to want, if the specific want is a godly one. Which in my case, right now, it is. I want a baby. There, I said it. I think, some days, it’s even hard for me to admit those words because it sounds so selfish or cliché—like a baby is the latest fad. But it’s not just that I want a baby.

I want to raise another disciple.

I want a sibling for Sybil—to play with, to love, to befriend.

I want to watch my husband love another child.

I want a second chance at labor, delivery, and breastfeeding, because God knows, it didn’t go as smooth as I had hoped the first time around.

I want to be a mother times two. I love it so much that I want to do it again.

But above all these things, I want Jesus to be enough for me. I want Him to be glorified even if He chooses not to give us another biological child. I want Him to be glorified when my health fails again (because eventually it will). I want Him to be enough when I don’t get what I want in this lifetime. If it wasn’t a baby right now, it would be something else. It always is. As humans, we are always wanting something we don’t have because we are lacking perfection, which only comes when He comes.

Every day is different. Some days I see a million pregnant women and babies in strollers on every street, and I think “How great! Kids are such a blessing. I’m so glad I have one healthy one.” And then other days, I don’t even have to leave my house to feel the sadness that comes with thinking I may never have another one—all I had to do was change Sybil’s doll’s clothes and pretend to burp her and I felt an immediate longing. So, I wrestle. Each day I fight for Jesus to be enough, for me to not be in want. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” The only way this happens is if I really believe this, and only with the help of the Spirit can I believe it in my depths.

I’m thankful for the truth of the Word, for God’s resounding promises, and for the fact that Jesus is ENOUGH. 

Part 5: The Ups and Downs

We went to India and I remained healthy the whole trip. God was so faithful to keep me. I did NOT want to be sick in a hospital in India. And I wasn't. Praise God.

But now I'm back to real life. I had my six-week follow up appointment yesterday, and I just got off the phone with the dr. this morning. The results:

The beast is still there.
It's not over yet.
I'm healing, but not healed.
It has gotten smaller, but has not disappeared.

Apparently, there is still fluid in my tubes and still a "cystic form" on my right ovary. The dr. said she thinks there is no reason to have any more appointments. (Also, praise God.) Unless I start to feel sick again, she said that she is confident I am healing and that "an infection like mine takes time to go away." And then she said, "Call me in six months if you're not pregnant by then. It is still the waiting game."

Anxiety immediately entered my heart again. I don't want to play the waiting game anymore. Hasn't it been long enough? Isn't it time for this trial to be done?

And then, again, I read Spurgeon's words:
"Severe trouble in a true believer has the effect of loosening the soul's roots earthward and tightening the heart's anchor-hold heavenward. How can we love a world that has become so dismal?...
Afflictions clip our wings with regard to earthly things, and we cannot fly from our dear Master's hand. Yet the same affliction makes our wings grow with regard to heavenly things. We are feathered like eagles. A thorn is in our nest, and we catch the soaring spirit. We spread our wings toward the sun...
Affliction, when sanctified by the Holy Spirit, brings much glory to God through the believer's experience with the Lord's faithfulness."

Friends, there is no truer word. Through this trial, I am being loosened from earth's anchor and drawn toward Christ on his throne. It is not easy to say, but in the depths of my heart, I mean it; I am thankful for this trial because it is God's kindness to me in showing me that his love is better than life.

The Lord has been faithful, and his faithfulness continues.

Pray for a miracle. Pray for a baby. God can do all things. And pray for my faith in the waiting.

Part 4: Feeling better and finding answers

Let me start with the fact that I am feeling loads better than I was last week. I feel like a human being again. So, thanks for everyone who prayed, helped, brought a meal, etc.

Here's the latest: About a week into my medication, I discovered that I was becoming more sick because of the side effects from the meds. I couldn't separate what the meds were doing to me and what my ovarian mass was doing to me. So, I decided to make another appointment before my "final" follow-up appointment. This time I saw a new doctor. She was well aware of my case (since all the OB dr.'s at Chapel Hill were talking about me), she was informative, sensitive, personable, and kind. She was the one to finally lead me to some answers. As she explained that "all her patients on this specific medication feel horrible," I immediately felt some relief. "Oh, it's not just me."

She went on to explain my condition and used the term TOA. I stopped her.
"What's a TOA?" (me)
"A tubo-ovarian abscess. Basically, some kind of infection gets into your ovary and fluid starts to collect, swelling and creating serious pain and all the symptoms that you've experienced." (her)

This was the first time in this journey that I had ever heard a label for my condition. (I thought I was relieved, until I came home and researched TOAs. The internet can be a very scary thing.) I left that appointment with directions to finish my medications and come back in one week to get cleared for India (since at that point we were leaving in 14 days...which is now, seven!).

Like I said, I came home and researched my condition and discovered so many scary facts. I learned things that didn't really make sense (for me) and understood better why the doctors were so confused. I am not a typical candidate for this and they have no idea how it happened, nor do I. Either way, here's some research that has been done on patients with TOA's:
-It almost always needs surgery to be resolved (which I haven't had yet)
-It can come back after you finish your medication (great)
-TOAs are severe enough that if not treated quickly, they can result in death (whoa)
-(And here's the kicker) Traditionally, pregnancy rates after a TOA are less than 15%

LESS THAN 15%. Guys, this news hit me hard. I want to have more babies, and now I'm looking at less than a 15% chance of that happening?

I was devastated. And then I got off my computer and opened my devotional and read this:
"My dear believer, you must totally trust the Lord in everything and concerning everything...Some have only learned to trust the smile of His face, but they must also learn to trust the blows of His fist...Did not one of old say, 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him'? (Job 13:15)"

I suddenly saw so much grace. Grace, that I didn't know these facts at the beginning, because it would have terrified me. Grace, that God chose to give me this ailment to bring me closer to Him. Grace, that He is healing me without surgery. Grace, that I still WANT to praise Him in the midst of this all. Grace upon grace.

The bad news about my TOA, however, didn't end there. But neither did the grace. Monday was my final appointment before India. I saw the same dr. mentioned above and she once again, informed me well. Upon seeing the ultrasound, she explained that the infection site was decreasing in size and healing, but that I had ANOTHER cyst now on my left ovary. She assured me this cyst looked "normal" and was probably due to the fact that I hadn't had a normal period for eight weeks, or the duration of my TOA. Then she answered all my questions and said, "I see no reason for you not to travel." Excited that I could go to India, but stressed that I had another cyst, I grabbed my stuff and prepared to leave the hospital. On my way out, I peeked my head into my Dr.'s office and thanked her for being my "favorite"--one who was most informative, caring, personable, and just plain good at her job. She started to cry and got up from her desk to hug me. I left encouraged. I called my mom when I got home and informed her of my appointment and the good (and bad) news. Not even 10 minutes after I ended my call with her, she called me back. Bad news again--my grandpa just died.

So, here I was, still recovering from this serious illness, with news of another cyst, and now my grandpa dies and I  don't know if I can go home for the funeral because I leave for India in a week and my body is still not 100%. I went upstairs and cried my eyes out and just prayed for, what felt like, a really long time. "Though you slay me, yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless your name. Though you ruin me, still I will worship."--Those words just kept repeating in my heart and head. I was so at peace.

God is at work. He is kind enough to rip things from me so that I would look to Him for strength and not myself. He's teaching me that He alone is enough. He alone is worthy. He alone cannot be taken from me. My heart and flesh may fail, but no, my God, my God never fails.

"At the very worst, our gospel is better than the world at its best." --Charles Spurgeon