*Let me preface this post with two things: 1. I am feeling normal again! Praise! I don't know how long it'll last, but this is the best I've felt in four and a half months, so I'll take it! 2. This post has no filter--it is the continued aftermath of my "sickness". Please don't read it and think I'm not happy for you if you're pregnant. Read it as a spiritual encouragement, which is what it is to me.
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My nose started to tingle from the inside out. The moisture in my eyes began to build up and press my lids. I took a deep breath, and the first tear fell.
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My nose started to tingle from the inside out. The moisture in my eyes began to build up and press my lids. I took a deep breath, and the first tear fell.
Was it the Spirit moving, softening my heart? Or was it my already hard heart throwing a fit over something I wanted and didn’t have? This infertility thing is just a cover, you know—a cover for something deeper, something I call “the want”. We are too often in want when we should actually never be in want. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” Need I say more, my soul?
The Lord is my shepherd. He cares for me. He watches over me. Anything I need, I get—straight from his loving hand. So, why the want? I’ve come to decide that the want is given to push me closer to the Shepherd, my Lord. If all my wants were satisfied, then I would be satisfied here. But why would I ever want to be fully satisfied here, in a place that is not my home? I could get stuck here and think this was “it” if I had it “all”. No, even my wants are used by the Good Shepherd to keep me longing for my home with Him.
I’ve decided that it is good to want, if the specific want is a godly one. Which in my case, right now, it is. I want a baby. There, I said it. I think, some days, it’s even hard for me to admit those words because it sounds so selfish or cliché—like a baby is the latest fad. But it’s not just that I want a baby.
I want to raise another disciple.
I want a sibling for Sybil—to play with, to love, to befriend.
I want to watch my husband love another child.
I want a second chance at labor, delivery, and breastfeeding, because God knows, it didn’t go as smooth as I had hoped the first time around.
I want to be a mother times two. I love it so much that I want to do it again.
But above all these things, I want Jesus to be enough for me. I want Him to be glorified even if He chooses not to give us another biological child. I want Him to be glorified when my health fails again (because eventually it will). I want Him to be enough when I don’t get what I want in this lifetime. If it wasn’t a baby right now, it would be something else. It always is. As humans, we are always wanting something we don’t have because we are lacking perfection, which only comes when He comes.
Every day is different. Some days I see a million pregnant women and babies in strollers on every street, and I think “How great! Kids are such a blessing. I’m so glad I have one healthy one.” And then other days, I don’t even have to leave my house to feel the sadness that comes with thinking I may never have another one—all I had to do was change Sybil’s doll’s clothes and pretend to burp her and I felt an immediate longing. So, I wrestle. Each day I fight for Jesus to be enough, for me to not be in want. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” The only way this happens is if I really believe this, and only with the help of the Spirit can I believe it in my depths.
I’m thankful for the truth of the Word, for God’s resounding promises, and for the fact that Jesus is ENOUGH.
