Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I envy the birds sometimes.

I sat at a coffee shop this morning and watched a bird perched outside the window. It was so still, basking in the sun, I thought it might be dead. Then I saw the rise and fall of its chest, and I knew it was just resting. Even in its stillness, I knew it felt free. Birds can fly away to safety and rest whenever they choose. I envy them.

It reminded me of a Psalm I long ago clung to tightly as a new believer.

"And I say, 'Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest.'" (Ps. 55:6-8)

This battle with infertility is more a battle of my heart and mind than it is of my body. I know that God is the One who creates life and He can do it whenever He pleases. I know my body needs time to heal. I know I am called to have faith and believe His timing is perfect. I know I am not alone in this. But my heart...

It gets so hard sometimes. I wrestle with God on which side of the fence to land. Should I have faith and be hopeful each month? Or, should I be realistic and recognize I will most likely never get pregnant again, and then if I do, be surprised at the miracle? This back and forth between hoping and accepting what is can get exhausting. I want to fly away to rest, just like a bird.

And then I'm reminded of another Scripture about the birds.
"Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Luke 6:26-27)

Of course! The reason they are so free is not because they can fly away, but because they have no worries. They know they will be provided for and therefore, can rest in what it means to be a bird created by the Creator. Instead of flying away, I need to stay and just be.

Back to Psalm 55: "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage..."

So I watched the bird fly away, and I stayed at that table to wage the battle of my heart. He cares for me more than that bird, and He will provide for me, always. Staying to fight the battle draws me closer than if I fly away. Draw me in, Lord. Soften my heart. Make me like you, Jesus, that in trial I will not crumble but will be made stronger by your strength and your Spirit. You are my safe place. There's no need to fly.