I don't blog anymore. I've blogged once since Alastair was born, and that was the story of his birth. It's not because I don't want to, but because I have so much to say and not enough time to say it. Any spare minute I get right now, I either work out and take a shower or read my bible and pray. I have time for nothing else. I wish I were exaggerating. There's one main cause of this and a lot of little causes. The main thing is that Alastair demands all my time. He's a very needy baby.
Let me start with how much I love him and how much of a miracle he is in my life. I love being a mom to him and Sybil. It brings my heart joy that he is here with us and that he needs me. However, this kid went from colic/acid reflux to not sleeping to thrush to not eating to not eating AND not sleeping. Here is the thing though, I'm done complaining about it all, even though it has been incredibly hard.
Life is too short to be negative all the time, and there is a purpose in all this hardship. I have realized over and over again this past year that life is about adjusting expectations. If you're expectations are right, your attitude improves greatly. I had expected Al to be just like Sybil was as a baby (content, great sleeper, scheduled but flexible, etc.). Based on him being a good nurser at the beginning, I had expected him to be a good eater through out his little life. I had expected the second child to be easier that the first since this was our second time around. I had expected him to fall asleep in the car seat instead of scream the entire time, making it impossible to go anywhere. No one told me to expect these things, I just did it on my own--hoping for life to be smooth sailing. That is, however, not what God had planned with Al.
Alastair is NOT like Sybil. He's totally different. And that is okay because we are all different. On days when he is not sleeping and not eating and I have to pump six times a day for him, I can get a little discouraged (or a lot). There's a blanket hanging above his crib that says "God knew my heart needed you." The Lord has used this blanket to speak to me in those times of discouragement. He knew I needed Alastair (a needy, fussy baby) and not another easy Sybil. He knew what type of baby would challenge me and bring me to my knees and make me BEG God for his presence and his mercy. He knew all the things I needed for my further sanctification.
Recently, I finished the book "A Praying Life" and the Lord used it to speak truth to me in this time of difficulty. With Al's thrush being so hard to get rid of and going on for over a month and a half, I had been begging God to heal him and me. About half way through that month, I thought maybe I was praying the wrong prayer. I changed from "God, please heal us and make him eat" to "God, give me joy in the midst of this and don't let it consume my life." A few weeks after I changed my prayer, I read this from that book:
"I realized that God didn't seem particularly interested in saving me from the difficult situation. He just wanted to change me."
This is what my life looks like right now. I see God pursuing me through my difficult son. Through thrush and colic, He is bringing me to my knees and changing me. I cannot be self-sufficient in this time. I only survive a day when I rely on Him for my strength. So, most days now, I expect the worst and anything above that ends up being a mercy. I expect to pump 6xs a day and for him to not nurse, so when he does, I'm thrilled. I expect to get up with him at night, so when he sleeps, I'm surprised. Adjusting my expectations has helped me cope, but it's also made me thankful when things go well.
Most days I feel like I'm drowning in this parenting pool. But then I realize how much I'm being changed and how much closer to the Father I am now and how much more I long for heaven, and I'm encouraged. All this to say, God uses our children to sanctify us, and for this, I am glad. (And really, really tired ;) )
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